Preparing for Mediation

Preparation is arguably to factor which determines success or failure. Mediation is so much more than fulfilling a court requirement; if successful, mediation can save thousands of dollars and the agreements reached can impact you and your family for years to come – for these reasons its best to be prepared.

Despite common perceptions, mediation is not sitting around a table singing Kumbaya, it’s not about “splitting the baby” or compromising for the sake of an easy settlement. Fully prepared parties are able to negotiate in good-faith, put emotion aside, address mutual needs and interests, and reach win-win outcomes which go beyond simple compromise.

Unfortunately, many parties come to the table not knowing what to expect, without documentation, and not having thought in advance about their own needs and preferred outcomes. This reality often results in parties being overwhelmed and unable to make thoughtful decisions.

What to expect: Feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and some degree of frustration with the process as well as some degree of dissatisfaction with settlements.

How to Prepare:

  • Spend time specifically thinking about what you need and what you want.
    • Try to differentiate a need from a want as well as understand the underlying reason why you need or want something.
  • Create a written outline and bring it with you to mediation (if represented, give a copy to your attorney).
    • Bullet-point each issue and identify your own wants/needs and preferred outcome.
    • Identify reasonable expectations.
  • Analyze strengths and weakness on both sides of the table.
    • What might make you vulnerable and/or emotional during the negotiations?
    • What are the deal-breakers for the both sides?
    • How can you help the other side achieve their goals?
  • Be prepared to monitor and control your emotions.
    • Remember, reactions are not responses – it is common to experience emotional reactions during mediation.
    • Think about how you will control your emotions as well as avoid triggering emotional response from the other side.
  • Focus on content rather than tone, word choice or implied meaning.
    • Initial offers often cause emotional reactions such as: “That’s…outrageous…an insult…or impossible.”
    • Remember it’s only a starting point, focus on the content and give a thoughtful response and counter-offer instead of an emotional outburst.
    • Try to avoid making offers which could be perceived as outrageous, insulting or impossible.
  • Remember, mediated settlements rarely feel “fair” or satisfactory to the parties involved.
    • A good settlement allows you to answer, “yes” to all three questions of these questions: 1) Is it reasonable? 2) Is it workable? and 3) Can I live with it?
    • Avoid these considerations: 1) Is it “fair”? 2) Do I want to? or Should I have to? and 3) Do I like it?
    • Don’t agree/give-in when you are tired, overwhelmed, confused (or otherwise unable to think clearly) or when you feel pressured due to time constraints.
      • If you are not confident that the offer on the table is reasonable, workable and livable, don’t agree to it.
      • Ask for a break or a continuation in order to give yourself time to think about the pros and cons and make a thoughtful decision.

Mediation is becoming more and more common – not only because it clears court dockets, saves money, is more efficient and is typically over 90% effective. Mediation is also rising in popularity because it allows participants the ability to control their own outcomes and develop creative solutions that are not possible from the court. If you will be participating in mediation, increase the possibility of success by taking the time to fully prepare – your future can depend on it.

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN – she is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three teenage children, ages 16-13.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

Check out my inspiration for this blog post at: http://www.mediate.com/articles/DonnerJ2.cfm

Divorce Rate Highest in March

According to MSNNow… “March comes in like a lion and goes out like a shark (the legal kind), according to legal site FindLaw, which says that the third month of the year has usurped the first as “Divorce Month.” Although searches on the site for “divorce” and such related terms as “family law” and “child custody” spiked in January, they continued to surge through March, with actual divorce filings peaking during that month.

Possible factors driving this marital March madness include taxes (holding onto that coveted “Married, Filing Jointly” status may save you money), post-New Year’s revelations of affairs fueled by holiday depression, and parents who want their kids to have one last holiday together as a family.”

Another factor is that working through the emotional and legal divorce takes time. Decisions made in January need time to materialize. If you are working toward divorce contact a mediator sooner than later in order to avoid a prolonged and costly legal battle.

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN – she is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three teenage children, ages 16-13.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492


 

Should Divorce and Separate Parenting Classes be Required Before Filing for Divorce?

The following is a comment I shared about an article addressing Sen. Dan Hall’s proposed legislation to require the completion of divorce education prior to being allowed to file for divorce. Read the article at: http://hometownsource.com/2012/02/17/sen-halls-divorcee-parenting-classes-bill-on-hold/#comment-7783

Divorce and separate parenting classes are a must for divorcing couples and parents. I believe the classes should be required before filing for dissolution and full support the new legislation.

As a Parents Forever educator, divorce mediator and post decree parenting specialist I fully support a requirement that parties be required to take a divorce education class prior to being allowed to file for divorce with the court. The current requirement only applies in contested custody cases and has limited enforcement, primarily due to limited court resources and the fact that a case often needs to be actively involved in the court process before a judge inquires about or becomes aware of the parties’ compliance. As a result, the current legislation often results in parties being court ordered to attend classes late in their divorce process, after attorneys have been retained and positions entrenched – and often after the legal battle has been fought and the children have already been caught in the cross-fire of a high-conflict divorce. Because the classes provide information about alternative dispute resolution (ADR) options – such as mediation, early neutral evaluation (ENE) and cooperative legal processes such as Collaborative or Cooperative Law – class participation early in the legal process is critical being that the goal of these classes is to educate parties about options, reduce acrimony, protect children from conflict, and increase the use of ADR (which saves court resources and the parties’ resources); more importantly, the classes help parents focus on their children and learn skills for effective separate parenting.

These classes are the best way to educate parties about the legal divorce process and common pitfalls of separate parenting. They are not therapy and they are not aimed at reconciliation. Parties are encouraged to attend classes separately and domestic abuse is a required part of the curriculum. Providers of these classes have DA safety protocols in place to ensure victims and abusers are not registered for the same class.

The current requirement applies to contested custody cases only and is for an eight hour course. Most providers offer two classes of 4 hours each: one focused on the divorce process and the other on separate parenting skills. It is important to note that divorcing couples without minor children also benefit from the information provided by these classes. The cost of a 4 hour class is generally around $40-60 – double that for the full 8 hour course. Most providers also accept IFP and offer need based reduced fee.

I have yet to meet a class participant who received no benefit from these classes. The feedback I receive is overwhelmingly positive including from those participants who were court ordered to attend and who arrive expecting drudgery. One of the most common comments received is, “I wish I had taken this class earlier.” Participants gain valuable information and understanding about the divorce process and separate parenting – and most comment that their time was (sometimes surprisingly) well spent.

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN – she is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three teenage children, ages 16-13.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

 

Your Children Need Parents, Not Mickey Mouse. Don’t be a “Disneyland” Parent

What children need most during and after divorce are actively involved parents.

Divorce is difficult – it’s hard on both parents and children. Parents, often feel guilty about how our divorce impacts our children. Non-residential parents who have less time with the children than the residential parent sometimes fear losing their connection with their child or worse yet, fear losing their child will resist spending time with them. Whether guilt or fear, parents may feel compelled to make it up to their children by showering them with attention, being too lenient, or buying material things. Actually, what children need most during and after divorce are actively involved parents. Parents who not only continue to provide for their day-to-day needs but who also continue to provide structure, discipline and affection. Avoid falling into the trap of being a “Disneyland” parent by following these helpful tips:

  1. Make frequent contact. Whether in person by attending your child’s events and activities or by phone, email, text or social media. Your child will benefit from knowing that you are interested and involved in all aspects of his/her life – not just during your scheduled parenting time.
  2. Words and actions are more important than things.
    Saying, “I love you,” giving a hug and/or spending quality time with your child are all more important and meaningful than an iPhone, Xbox, or expensive outings. Read together, cook dinner together, involve your child in a favourite hobby or pastime, volunteer at school or with your child’s activities – be present and involved with your child on a consistent and regular basis.
  3. Take initiative and responsibility. Do not rely on your parenting partner to inform you of school events, sporting activities or other important information about your child. Contact the school directly to ensure you are included in school-parent communications and obtain practice and game schedules for your child’s activities directly from the coach/organization.
  4. Be a parent and role model, not a friend. Children of all ages need structure and consistency, including good boundaries, reasonable expectations and appropriate discipline. Your job as a parent is to help your children grow and mature into healthy and well-adjusted adults who are capable of among other things holding down a job, entering into long-term relationships be it a friendship or intimate relationship. It is not to entertain, spoil or give the impression that life is fair and that all of your child’s wants and dreams will be fulfilled by someone else.
  5. Respect your child’s other parent. Establish a business-like relationship, do not make negative comment about the your child’s other parent within his/her range of hearing, encourage and support your child to maintain a loving relationship with his/her other parent, make an effort to occasionally share good memories about your relationship with your child’s other parent or pay him/her a compliment when talking with your child.

If you your parenting partner is acting like a Disneyland parent, you may be able to influence this behaviour by asking yourself what you could do to help ensure your child has a healthy and loving relationship with his/her other parent. It’s as easy as giving your child “permission” to continue to love and respect his/her other parent and avoid feeling as though your love will be lessened if you believe your child loves and enjoys spending time his/her other parent.

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN – she is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three teenage children, ages 16-13.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

Create Your Own Parenting Plan…It’s in Your Children’s Best Interests

Children benefit when their parents, the people who know and love them most, make decisions about their upbringing in the aftermath of divorce/separation.

 

I recently came across a well written blog, by Kathleen Bar-Tur, a LCSW and FIPA in NYC. The title? “I Don’t Love Your Children.”

 

Here’s a brief overview… A well respect judge shared with her the speech given to parents who appear in family court; it goes like this:

 

“First, I ask them what they are doing in my courtroom. They explain they are there to settle a custody issue. I then ask them, “Do you love your children? Well, then what are you doing here? Because, I don’t love your children. I don’t even know your children and you are putting your children into the hands of a total stranger who doesn’t love them”.

 

Consistent with my own personal and professional experience, Kathleen states that divorcing parents often believe that a fair, impartial, and honest judge will see the situation as it really is (from that parent’s perspective) and rule accordingly (in the best interests of the children). Isn’t that the purpose of family court? Unfortunately, even an excellent judge can’t and won’t know your children as well as you; and despite your belief that the right answer is obvious- it may not be so obvious to a stranger who doesn’t know anything about you, your spouse or your children.

 

When you go to court you lose control of your ability to make decisions for your family; and after a judgment is rendered, like it or not, the judge’s decision is legally binding unless AND UNTIL you return to court to appeal the judgment. Judges know this and often do everything in their power to avoid having to make these important decisions and instead put pressure on the parents to make the decisions independently. Judges encourage and even order parents to participate in mediation, early neutral evaluation or other form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR) because they know these processes work.

 

I routinely tell my angry and resentful parents that if they allow a judge to make these important (and difficult) decisions they will not be satisfied. Neither a judge nor a mediator has the power to resolve the painful past that led to the divorce/separation. The only path to success is to move forward and the options along the way are rarely desirable or satisfactory. Resolution lies in finding workable and livable solutions.

 

Despite your emotions or conviction that you will prevail in court it is always better to try to settle your parenting issues directly rather than place control of your life and your children in the hands of a stranger who does not love your children, does not know you, your spouse or your history, and, as a result, may likely make the wrong decisions for you and your children.

 

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN – she is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three teenage children, ages 16-13.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

Thoughts about My Personal Experience with Divorce and Separate Parenting

I recently created a video for my website and this is the script of my message…

I’m Amber Serwat and I am a divorce and parenting specialist. I am also a divorced parent and step-parent. I’d love to tell you that my divorce was the model of cooperation – but it wasn’t. It was highly adversarial and by the time the battle ended we were nearly incapable of parenting our children together. Bitterness and resentment colored every interaction – trust was nonexistent – communication was terrible at best and our children were caught in the middle. It took a couple of years to turn things around. Today, we are a model of low-conflict and effective parenting; and our children are thriving. They have loving relationships with both of us, our new partners and two new sisters. I believe divorce and separate parenting are life experiences that you can never truly understand until you’ve experienced them. Although my journey through divorce and separate parenting is my own, it also provides a unique qualification which drives my passion for this work.

Like many couples, we wanted to be reasonable and we tried to negotiate a settlement at the kitchen table. In hindsight, we actually crafted a fairly decent settlement but lacking professional guidance we were ultimately unsuccessful. So we did what most people do when facing divorce – we each retained attorneys and that decision set our course – we unknowingly selected a process. I put my faith in my lawyer and for the most part followed along without asking questions. Petitions, responses, interrogatories, formal discovery and seemingly endless posturing followed. We lost control of our lives and we had no idea how to get it back. 2.5 years and a small fortune later we settled our case on the verge of trial.

Despite my frustration with the process I was powerless to change direction because I didn’t know my options. If I didn’t even know what questions to ask, how could I make such important decisions? I was overwhelmed and fearful. My passion for this work comes from a deep commitment to helping others avoid the common pitfalls of divorce and separate parenting. Your first most important decision is about process; the second is who you hire. It is critical that you understand your options including ALL costs, financial and otherwise. After selecting a process, interview two or three professionals in order to find a good fit for you and your situation. Remember, YOU are the expert in your own life and with some solid professional guidance, you are capable of reaching fair and equitable solutions – much more so than a stranger in a black robe.

I welcome an opportunity to talk with you about your situation; and regardless of how you choose to proceed, I wish you a peaceful new beginning.

My name is Amber Serwat and I help take the fear and expense out of difficult transitions.

 

Written by: Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN. She is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three children, ages 16-12.

amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

Tips for Success in the Parenting Consultant Process

Successful separate parenting and effective use of the Parenting Consultant process requires a conscious decision to disengage from the past and its negative experiences and emotions. Success requires a child and future focus as well as changes in behaviors from BOTH parents.

The Big Picture: If you have a conflicted parenting relationship, it is likely that you also have very different approaches to parenting and very different ways to solve problems. The positive side of this reality is that your children will be exposed to parenting and problem solving styles and skills. The negative side is that your vastly different approaches to parenting and problem solving causing your children to be caught in the cross-fire.

In a perfect world you would parent cooperatively; however, or various reasons and despite your best intentions, that has not happened. Relying on other people to make it happen is not realistic. If you could not change each other’s beliefs and behavior while you were married/together as a couple, you’re not going to change each other’s beliefs and behavior now that you’re divorced/apart. It is even more unreasonable to believe that an outside party can change those beliefs or behaviors. A PC cannot; your attorneys cannot; and the court cannot. Only you can make the changes, and it will require an entirely different mind-set from each of you. In the vast majority of my PC cases, both parents desperately want to change the negative dynamic which exists between them. It is obviously stressful and unhealthy for both parents…multiply that times one hundred for their children.

Success will require changes from both parents. Conflicted parenting is the result of both parent’s contributions. That being the case, each parent needs to be part of the solution…which means you will both need to make adjustments to your behavior. It won’t be easy and occasionally my assistance as a PC will include recommendations about how parent may personally make a more positive contribution to the parenting relationship. These suggestions are sometimes be difficult to hear; therefore, it is important to remember that the PC process is about doing what is necessary to effectively parent your children. It is not about blame or being proven right; not about maximizing your legal rights or seeking punishment for mistakes. These approaches DO NOT work and they certainly do not serve the best interests of your children. The PC process is about establishing the best parenting relationship you possibly can, for the sake of your children. In many cases, this means accepting real and workable solutions which may not seem ideal or fair.

 

Amber is a divorced parent and step-parent working in private practice as a divorce and parenting specialist. Her practice is located in the southern Twin Cities metropolitan area and she offers services as a mediator, coach, PC, early neutral evaluator and Parents Forever educator.

You can reach Amber at amber@amsmediationplus.com or 952.252.1492


 

What is the goal of the Parenting Consultant Process?

From my perspective, the only goals of the parenting consultant process are to reduce conflict and increase your effectiveness as separate parents. This is what your children need and deserve; this is what is in their best interests.

A PC’s job is to help you resolve your parenting disputes, establish clear boundaries and create guidelines which will allow you to parent with less conflict and (ideally) without the need for third party intervention.

A PC focuses on what is in the best interests of your children which is not always the same as what you may want for your children or believe is best for your children. The goal of this process is NOT to ensure parental fairness, correct past wrongs or otherwise vindicate either parent.

At first, having a PC may seem like a welcome cure for a difficult and conflicted parenting relationship. This opinion often wanes as you realize that your PC is not a miracle worker and after you spend hundreds and sometime thousands of dollars on a process that was supposed to help but mostly just falls short of your expectations and feels unfair. At about the time you throw your hands up in disgust and defeat, your PC begins hoping for success. Why? Because your PC knows that most conflicted parents need to hit rock bottom before they are able hear and accept the difficult recommendations that will allow them to create a low-conflict and effective separate parenting relationship.

It is important for each of you to understand that effectiveness as separate parents does not require 100% agreement, mutual understanding, respect, forgiveness or even frequent communication. It requires being emotionally disengaged, business-like communication, clear boundaries, reasonable (and often times lowered) expectations and adherence to established protocols.

On the surface, these goals may seem relatively easy to achieve and most of my clients actually agree that they “should” be able to achieve these objectives. Unfortunately, the “should” mostly applies to the other parent (who is mostly to blame, can’t be trusted and has malicious intentions). Realistically, even if one parent contributes more than an equal share of damaging behaviors – in order to be successful, both parents will need to change how they respond to each other’s comments and behaviors as well as make changes in their own communication and behavior.

When you are ready, a Parenting Consultant can help provide a framework for success – you and your parenting partner need to do all the work to achieve your goals and get your children out of the middle of your conflict. Your children will be forever grateful when you succeed!

Amber is a divorce and parenting specialist in private practice in Burnsville, MN. She is also a divorced parent and step-parent of three children, ages 16-12.
amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

Resolutions and the Co-Parenting High Road

I respected and wise mentor and coach I am privileged to know recently modified a poem called A Hero’s Creed By Carl Morris…

 

The works speak to me personally and professionally. Sometimes “taking the high-road” seems impossible and maintaining that path thankless…the payoff is not often immediate but traveling high-road always delivers in the end. Peaceful journeys to all in 2012…

 

Did I help someone to realize a dream they thought they’d lost?

Did I listen when someone told me the reward is worth the cost?

Did I praise someone for their efforts and encourage someone toward their dreams?

Did I help someone to understand the end never justifies the means?

Did I make someone laugh and smile when they would much rather frown?

Was I the one who picked them up when everyone put them down?

Am I the one they confide in and know their conversation is secure?

Did I provide them with someone to trust in knowing their friendship will always endure?

Am I humble and constantly striving to become more than I was yesterday?

Did I focus on the successes of others and follow through with all I say?

If I constantly strive to become the one who can say “I did” to the “did I’s” ?.

Then my life is fulfilled, I have achieved a great prize.

In 2012, let me hold myself accountable and ask ……….Did
I?

 

Amber M. Serwat, MA

Amber is a divorced parent and step-parent of three children ages 12-16 and works in private practice as a divorce and parenting specialist.

www.amsmediationplus.com | amber@amsmediationplus.com | 952.252.1492

 

Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.

JERRY JOHNSON, Certified Coach/Mentor/Consultant

The R Principle Business Page

Self-Determination and Divorce…Words of Encouragement

I CHOOSE…

    to live by choice, not by chance;

    to make changes, not excuses;

    to be motivated, not manipulated;

    to be useful, not used;

    to excel, not compete.

I CHOOSE self-esteem,

    not self-pity.

I CHOOSE to listen to my inner voice,

    not the random opinions of others.

What do YOU choose?

    The choice is always yours.

Make choices that inspire and empower you!

-author unknown

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